Cant Get My Thoughts Together

Morning,


I am trying not to make this post as sad as it can be, im trying to think of the words to say so that I dont feel bad...lemme see what I can do, tell me what you think.


My aunties' birthday is today. She would of been in her early 50s ( woman dont like to tell age lol) Also it marks the 6 month anniversary of her passing. Strange right? So yours truly wanted to give a less solemn look at the relationship we had and how this tears me up so much everyday, though im starting to feel better.


Growing up: And Now


I tell you everyone said its horrible living in a one parent home. I beg the differ. I am more open-minded, independent and responsible. ( not saying other wise to the other kids w/both) but its true. Like it or not at times, you need some things in life not to be as easy because then you can handle it when it comes about. But I know my aunt played a special part in our lives but more so mine. That is my second mother; always will be. She called me more than my mother did. matter of fact she called twice a day, maybe more depending on if I saw the call or not( I work alot). She held me and pushed me in the stroller forever , and I know she was happy I was born in New York, she loved my accent though im guessing it sounded like hers. She always fed me to this day lol and always had coffee. Maybe thats why im the way I am . She was there for my graduation from high school, so very proud of me. She was so happy in the hospital, when I told her im going to grad school very soon. She smiled and said she couldn't wait to be there, she was so proud of me. Im using that motivation now to go on everyday in my studies.


Cool "aunt" things


You noe she never told me no. She said if its with in her means I could have it, and I did, again to this day she always supported my starbucks addiction, and bad candy habits. It always made my day when she called to make sure I was okay. She worried for a little bit because I am in DC and she couldnt get to me if something happened, but I assured her until that last day, that I will be alright. I have to grow up right? It wasnt that she didnt want me to, it was all about me being alright. Then again boys were out the question lol. Did I mention I am an ultimate pouter? lol All her fault! lol We always drove to the store, then when I got older even this yr when I came to visit, I drove her to the store. I was so pressed on her getting a new cell phone and wardrobe, I went and bought it all for her. I felt like why couldnt she have what I have? She finally learned how to text, blew my mind, but I smiled cus I was able to make her feel the way she made me feel.


Moving Forward


Up to that Sunday evening when I gave her the last hug ; I knew that she was proud of me. I talked to her a few days before when she had woke up (she was in and out ) I told her I just didnt know what I would do without her.....(*wipes eyes* give me a moment) she just smiled and said that I am okay. I told her alright I will be okay as long as you are. I promise not to give up, not to cry over you, and to be good , to never forget who I am and who I will become. Though I knew I was saying a lot, and it is so hard to this day to do just that, she gave me the okay that she was tired of suffering, and I gave her the okay to let go. But I still have her with me ,with the person I have and will be ( someone told me that) I guess she was the one who spoiled me; I think I always wanted the feeling I felt wanted/complete but I think I am carrying on that love...


Being an Aunt


I am an aunt of 10. 5boys 5girls and I have to say its not as bad as you think. They arent bad , they are so very smart, and I think they like me. The oldest is 18 and in college in New York oh and she is the other person in the picture on my blog (hence why im moving back up there, well an added reason) The youngest is 1 and hes too cute. I treat them all the same, no love is different. Though they take to me their own ways, im fine with that. I give them whatever I have, and if they deserve it they get it. I never teach them to live above their means, just enough to be happy. I write them checks for helping me just to show them the value of money then we go cash it at my bank so they can see how to do so. I listen to their stories, I try to answer their questions, and they are the best in  my eyes. My auntie was always proud of me and ill pass that down to them. I give them candy and organic stuff lol , I give them coffee and they all like it lol , my nephews cook for me and make me coffee in the morning when I visit and stay to watch them. matter a fact one just had a birthday hes 13!


In all, they say that you have to measure the good with the bad, the positive with the negative. Though family are having their little personal dramas when it comes to her im not, I know how she felt of me, I know that I have to let go, of those pass last days and see all the good she left me with. I dont think she would want me to feel the way I feel.


Love always.
Jenny

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